I sit and listen to the sounds of children pleading, coffee grinding, gentle rhythms overhead; having a cup of tea at a local coffee shop while my sister teaches dance down the street. All the while, pondering my day tomorrow when I return home. What have I learned from this trip, what happened in my heart? What was dislodged from my tight grip of self-made security?
For one, the sweet invitation from my two year old nephew to hold him or come see his train tugged on my heart strings and felt like a beautiful gift tied with a silken ribbon. We teased that he and I have developed a co-dependent relationship. (Probably true). And a realization that I love to be needed. Most of my relationships depend upon it. If I can offer a service or fill a need then I tend to find my temporary worth; until the next need arises. (Have I told you that I am an eldest sister?)
On the other hand, somehow amidst painting projects, trips to Hobby Lobby, antique stores and countless batches of cookies, my sister and I had some much needed poignant conversations which felt like a spotlight on my soul. (She has an uncanny ability to see what I can't). So she helps illuminate. (Hopefully I reciprocate in my own way).
What I discovered is an overwhelmed, weary woman who secretly desires help, or relief but is fearfully ashamed to ask for it. Ashamed of weakness or exposing those weaknesses to others. I've been so busy making a life assisting others, seeming strong and secretly neglecting self. Ugh! It seems like a lesson that's keeps cycling back to me over the years in different forms. But one that needs to be reasoned with.
So I come to you dear friends trying to work through some of these things in your presence, opening a secret door that I tend to keep tightly locked away. I want to be soft, vulnerable, yet hopeful and trusting my heart to the unknown.
... this is where I believe I can find my true home. underneath the layers of self-protection, underneath the shell of pleasantries.
How about you? If Home is Where the Heart is then.... where is HOME for you?
images: leliophelia and heather s thompson for gathering spriggs