Finding Home

I sit and listen to the sounds of children pleading, coffee grinding, gentle rhythms overhead; having a cup of tea at a local coffee shop while my sister teaches dance down the street. All the while, pondering my day tomorrow when I return home. What have I learned from this trip, what happened in my heart?  What was dislodged from my tight grip of self-made security? 

For one, the sweet invitation from my two year old nephew to hold him or come see his train tugged on my heart strings and felt like a beautiful gift tied with a silken ribbon. We teased that he and I have developed a co-dependent relationship. (Probably true). And a realization that I love to be needed. Most of my relationships depend upon it. If I can offer a service or fill a need then I tend to find my temporary worth; until the next need arises.  (Have I told you that I am an eldest sister?) 

On the other hand, somehow amidst painting projects, trips to Hobby Lobby, antique stores and countless batches of cookies, my sister and I had some much needed poignant conversations which felt like a spotlight on my soul. (She has an uncanny ability to see what I can't). So she helps illuminate. (Hopefully I reciprocate in my own way). 

What I discovered is an overwhelmed, weary woman who secretly desires help, or relief but is fearfully ashamed to ask for it. Ashamed of weakness or exposing those weaknesses to others. I've been so busy making a life assisting others, seeming strong and secretly neglecting self. Ugh! It seems like a lesson that's keeps cycling back to me over the years in different forms. But one that needs to be reasoned with. 

So I come to you dear friends trying to work through some of these things in your presence, opening a secret door that I tend to keep tightly locked away. I want to be soft, vulnerable, yet hopeful and trusting my heart to the unknown. 

... this is where I believe I can find my true home. underneath the layers of self-protection, underneath the shell of pleasantries. 

How about you? If Home is Where the Heart is then.... where is HOME for you? 

images: leliophelia and heather s thompson for gathering spriggs

Comments

[Ginny]

You have just pulled back a huge, ugly hardened scab from your precious heart. By sharing it here, publicly, you are allowing us to speak truth to you. You are giving the festering wound the fresh air and medicine it needs to heal. You are beautifully vulnerable. The robe of the striving woman is being unknotted and shed to the floor. And it makes me want to be in your very presence so I can take a real breath in.

Thank you, dearest, for being so freakin' REAL. I love you.

G

[Kathi]

I was going to try to say something so meaningful but Ginny (above) said it all! Honored that you are willing to share this with us.

[Amy Fenner]

I'm not sure I can add anything that hasn't already been said, but I do want to note that I am right there with you.

[Brigitte]

I just finished reading The Gifts of Imperfection, and I realized how many walls I have. Walls that no one notices, because I'm so bubbly and extroverted. That I willfully ignored. I have no answers for your question, but perhaps we'll find our way to the other side together.

[Iris]

I am note sure if I can be of any help in what you are going through, but I hope that being here, reading your thoughts and sending good vibes from across the ocean is somewhat of a comfort. Hang in there girl!
Love, Iris

[Heather]

Thank you all dear friends for your constancy and affection. Thank you for remaining on this journey however many bumps in the road. Thank you for not running at the sight of my open heart! I am in awe. I feel and am deeply touched by your deep friendship and undying support!

[Duncan Ragsdale]

The oldest sister is born to care
Her fingers are fashioned for rolling hair
for losing zippers and tying shoes
she dwells in a world she did not choose
Where your not paid to babysit
yes older sisters all gripe a bit
but they love and they laugh and they get things done
and lucky's the man to marry one.

- unknown to me but I've known it all my life.

[leslie]

Beautiful writing and sharing Heather. You amaze me. I too am an oldest sister...I would say my home is wherever my family is. When we are together I feel home.

[Stephanie Ryan]

This is what life is about, becoming aware and working through.

hugs,

Stephanie

[kalanicut]

Oh if we could sit down and have a cut of tea and a chat. I'm a #1 sister (I refuse to say oldest, haa-haa) and it really is a place where you just get conditioned to be a giant, loving giver and never ask for help, for a thousand reasons. Just an hour ago my man and I had a conversation about why I didn't ask him to help me buy the expensive shelving unit I need for my workspace when it was 30% off last month. Instead I'm using my tax return money this week when I can afford it and paying full price. I could've have beared to ask, because -here it is THE bad phrase - I didn't want to be a burden. He was so upset with me that I wouldn't let him know how he could've helped me and we have had this conversation over and over again.

I ended up in the hospital last month out of the blue with a very serious illness. I'm quite convinced it was partially because of stress and taking on too, too much. I thought I was doing great, but my body and soul had to tell me otherwise. It was a good experience to have to sit still for so long - weeks of recovery & still recovering - for me to experience the joy and blessing of being helped, let go of so many unimportant things, seek serenity and learn to be better, more balanced and therefore stronger.

Sending you great courage in your journey. You are clearly blessed from all you give and there are a thousand beautiful blessings of receiving coming your way. Open your arms and enjoy!